Informal Funding Request For 'The Mating Habits of the Wild Nailclipper'

It always happens, it seems. You need to cut your nails and the nailclippers have disappeared. Most people don't even notice the specifics of the wild nailclipper. It's chrome. They're all about the same size. They work reasonably well. And you don't need them for maybe a week.

So you put them down somewhere - it may be a phone call, it may be in the living room next to the TV, they may fall in the couch, they could even be in the refrigerator.

A week later, you look where you thought you had them and... they're... gone. Simply - gone. Somewhere along the line you buy another pair - and as soon as you do, the other shows up.

The theory is that when a nailclipper is in a home environment for a variable period of time yet to be determined, it begins to mature. When it's ready to reproduce - when it hits maturity - it seeks a partner, but unless one already exists it has no manner of finding one.

So it hides. It squirrels itself away somewhere and waits. You can tear apart the entire house trying to find it - it's no good. But buy another nailclipper and suddenly the old one appears. And where do you put them? Together.

This brings into question the sexual reproduction of the nailclipper. One theory suggests that they are hermaphroditic. Another suggests that they are actually asexual but seek comfort in other nailclippers to do so.

The question that needs experimentation, though, is: "Where are the children?" That this is necessary question should need no explanation: Clearly, there are less nailclippers being sold than those that are out there. This means that the nailclipper industry is having its product stolen in the same way that Monsanto had its beans stolen by farmers wanting to replant them.

It's estimated that researching this will cost roughly $337 million dollars and will take approximately 10 years with that funding. Given that the projected losses of nailclipper sales are increasing at 10n, where n=Population*Nailclippers and where nailclipper sales aren't meeting that projection, it seems apparent that the Nailclipper Industry needs to invest in solving this problem.